Up to Speed

You stayed up way too late last night, so what better than an easy read that brings you up to speed about the last month or so?

While the majority of America’s Thanksgiving consisted of gluttony, football, and naps, ours began with a close-up view of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and ended with leftovers without any of the pesky clean-up. We were extremely fortunate to live right by the start of the parade. In addition to getting yelled at by a power-hungry cop, we also got to see these guys:

Because It’s 1991 Again.

Beyond Infinity.

We said our goodbyes to friends, did one last sweep of our apartment (goodbye, ol’ rent-stabilized friend), and then hit the road to Cleveland in our rental car. Seven-and-a-half hours later (best restaurant ever Friendly’s was unfortunately closed since it was Thanksgiving…jerks), we arrived to Mike’s house. Some highlights of our time there:

• We joined a gym and were good about going every single day…at first.
• We welcomed a new nephew. Mike’s sister Jodi and brother-in-law Chris had child #4 ( NUMBER 4!!!), and little Liam has happily joined older siblings Shannon, Kelly, and Seamus. Though we missed meeting the little guy in person by about nineteen hours, we are super thankful for FaceTime.
• We were elves for a night with Mike’s mom and our friend Linda. How does one become an elf, you ask? A nearby railroad allows families to ride the Polar Express to the North Pole where elves are anxiously waiting the train’s arrival. Picture us laughing, dancing, and waving to the packed trains as we were dressed like this:

Spreading Holiday Cheer Everywhere.

• Mike’s mom played chauffeur as we morphed into tourist mode. Amish country, Cleveland’s West Side Market, and strip malls were all toured.
• Mike was given a great present (pinkeye!), while Hanna lost her sense of taste and smell for a few days because of a cold. We hope Mike’s parents and brother loved all of our germs.

We are currently visiting Hanna’s family in Spokane, and some highlights here include:

• A wonderful Christmas Day filled with jigsaw puzzles, great food, and family
• BINGO. (In case your memory has failed you, we like playing bingo…especially in Australia with some silly Kiwis). We went to play bingo with Hanna’s parents, and our foursome was incredibly unlucky. We think it was rigged so that the old biddies always win. There’s always next time.

Cigarette Smoke, Stale Coffee, and Bingo. Perfection!

• We have already started foraging for free furniture in the basement.
• Hanna’s throat has been really sore, while Mike’s pinkeye came back for a few days (also accompanied by a sore throat, stuffy nose, and clogged ears). Good times. Just trying to spread germs throughout the country, that’s all…
• Mike watched the entire new season of Homeland with Hanna’s dad, and we also binge-watched Ja’mie: Private School Girl. Praise the Lord for premium channels!

We have a few more days here, so we are trying to get our fill of free food and cable while we can. Gotta be fat and pop culture-savvy while on the road!

Your New Year’s resolution: check our blog every single day. Baby New Year and Uncle Sam would want you to.

How Mike Won

One of the biggest sources of controversy on our blog was the senior pic poll. It started out as a friendly competition, but then it got ugly. Mike’s dad and mom battled it out for first place with Hanna a close third…and then Mike started gaining votes. Lots of votes. We kept laughing as Mike darted into first place with no signs of stopping. When we closed the poll and saw the results, we couldn’t believe them. Neither could many of you, it seems. Mike received threatening emails and comments from his family that accused him of cheating, but he maintains his innocence.

During the entire poll, we claimed that neither of us ever voted. We still claim that. We hoped that Mike’s biggest supporter would come forward. The blog was quiet for a few days, and no one admitted the truth.

A few nights ago, we Skyped with our Kiwi friends in Australia, and the poll came up. We now know that Mike won because of this guy:

Kiwi Mike. Don’t Bother Him While He’s Playing Bingo.

Kiwi Mike read our post that Mike was crying himself to sleep because he wasn’t in the top three of the pool, so the Kiwi decided to help his similar-named friend out. That guy voted…a lot. Being a dorky techie guy who has an unhealthy obsession with his iPhone, his wife’s iPad, and his massive hard drive full of TV shows, Kiwi Mike figured out a way to have his computer vote multiple times. That’s why Mike got so many votes. He didn’t do it himself and had no knowledge about who was voting for him.

Kiwi Mike was quite amused with himself, and all you Jan/Joe/Hanna supporters can blame him for Mike’s win. Retract your comments of hatred towards Mike. Thanks.

Shattered Dreams

We’re fans of bingo. From Vegas to the Sunshine Coast, we’ve become experts in the field. (Read about our Australian adventures here and here.) As we were out and about one day, we stumbled across the following sign at a local pub:

We Pooped Our Pants When We Saw This Sign.

We saw the sign on a Sunday. We had to wait an excruciating two days before we could play the almighty game. Finally Tuesday night rolled around, and we galloped to the pub. The place was pretty empty, and when we walked in, all eyes were on us. We asked the bartender how much it cost to play bingo, and he had a very confused look on his face. He called his fellow bartender over, and she also seemed perplexed. We explained that we saw the sign outside and wanted to play. They looked at each other, chuckled, and said, “Whoops, that sign was supposed to be taken down ages ago. We don’t have bingo here anymore. Sorry!”

Tears immediately started flowing down our faces. We thanked them and left the pub with our heads held low. We’ve never felt so defeated.

“That’ll Do.”

It was a given. We knew that we would go to bingo again.

A few days had passed since our original trip to go play bingo, and we were already itching to go again. We went to a different place this go-round, and it was a lot smaller than last time’s massive hall. Better chances, right? It felt like the small hall in which you’d eat coffee and donuts after church. Still packed with old people though…

Being ridiculously smart bingo experts, we strolled confidently up to the desk and somehow found us handing over $30 (each!) to the bingo lady. We got swindled but felt too nervous to say anything. We knew we had to win.

The games were pretty similar to last time. The main difference? The caller went lightning fast. Our eyes popped out at her speed. The four of us are in our twenties and thirties (Kiwi Mike and Kylie are old farts), and we struggled. How do the old people stay caught up? Guess it keeps them sharp…

Kiwi Mike and Kylie Concentrating as Hard as Possible.

The games progressed, and all of a sudden Kylie calmly called out, “Bingo!” Lightning struck twice as she won again the very next game:

Official Bingo Winner Portrait: Kylie, Winner of $30.

Her jerk of a husband followed suit shortly and became the biggest winner of the afternoon in our group:

Official Bingo Winner Portrait: Kiwi Mike, Winner of $50.

We started to get nervous as it would be totally not fair if just our hosts won. The oldies started winning with less numbers called. Our favorite winner was this little old man. Instead of yelling, “Bingo!” or “Thank you!”, he quietly called out, “That’ll do.” Reminded us of the farmer in Babe… We also enjoyed what the bingo caller would say when announcing picked numbers: “Lucky for some…number thirteen!” and “Just one dozen…number twelve!”

Luckily Mike won a few games later, but he had to split his winnings with two other old people. Stupid old people who decide to win as the same time…

Official Bingo Winner Portrait: Mike, Winner of $13.50.

As the picture above shows, the impossible occurred, and Mike’s hair is now a bit shorter. No, we did not pay to have it done. That would be utterly ridiculous. Who knew that Hanna possessed haircutting skills? That didn’t stop Kiwi Mike from making fun of Mike, but Hanna is quite proud of her work.

The pressure mounted as Hanna was jealous she was the only one who hadn’t won. She would have only one or two numbers left, and then someone else would win. Curses were muttered. Old Aussies were shocked by this crass American girl. The stars aligned as she finally won:

Official Bingo Winner Portrait: Hanna, Winner of $25.

After about two and a half hours, we managed to walk out of that joint breaking just about even. We expect Kiwi Mike and Kylie to continue playing bingo weekly and then depositing the winnings into our PayPal account…

Bingobingobingo!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow the subject of bingo came up while the four of us were all lazing about one day. We still can’t figure out why it came up, but Hanna really wanted to play bingo. (When doesn’t she?) There are tons of bingo places on the Sunshine Coast, and the joking dream became a reality last Sunday night.

We donned our Sunday best. Well, Mike had to borrow a collared shirt from Kiwi Mike. We headed to the local RSL (think slots-only casino complete with multiple bars and a bad cover band) and entered a room full of about 100 people. 100 old people. We were definitely the youngest by decades.

What we didn’t know about Australian bingo is that it’s not the same as bingo at home. The concept is the same, but the cards are a bit different. Our eyes glazed over when the kind employee quickly tried to explain. She handed us bingo cards, and we handed her money…we didn’t know what we had just paid for.

We sat at a table and tried to figure it out. Each bingo card is only three rows with random numbers in each row, and each game is different. Four corners, the letter “L”, the Union Jack, racetrack, full card… We won’t bore you with the details, so just pretend we were playing the bingo you know and love.

Bingo Ladies Modeling the Cards.

Since the crowd was all old people, we figured that the numbers would be called slowly. We were wrong. Very wrong. We all (well, maybe just Mike) had mini-panic attacks during the first few games as we felt like we were missing numbers. The tension was diffused a bit as we laughed at how the number caller lady would start each game (“Eyes down!”) and then call the numbers: “All the twos: twenty-two!” “On its own: number eight!” “All the fours: forty-four!”

Even this guy was able to get the hang of it:

Kiwi Mike. Note Old People and Fluorescent Lighting.

The night progressed, and none of us had won. We cursed all the old people. Cheaters. During one game Mike was very close to winning: “I only need three numbers! Now two! One more number! I only need one more!” His heart beat faster and faster. The next number called was the one he needed. He jumped up from his chair, waving his arms and yelling “Bingobingobingo!!!!!!!!!!!” The old people at the tables near us started laughing at his excitement because most winners would raise their hand and calmly say, “Bingo” or “Thank you.” Hanna, Kylie, and Kiwi Mike had tears in their eyes because of how idiotic Mike looked. Hey, he was excited. Some other jackass won with the same number, so unfortunately Mike had to split his winnings:

The Big Winner of Ten Bucks.

Bingo lasted two hours, and we’re already planning our return visit. Hey, this could be a new way to finance our trip…